I have a confession to make. I have been having an affair. I am a cheating bride!
Let that sink in for a moment.
Was there a gasp, did you instantly stop reading? Did you close the page and unfollow me?
Well if you're still here, I hope you know I am a faithful wife to my earthly husband. I love him and am very committed to him.
However; I have not been quite as faithful in my role as the Bride of Christ.
For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name Isaiah 54:5a
Over the last year and half or so, I have put many things before Him, but specifically those things which were blessings from Him. My children, my family, my job.
I have found myself consumed by the things He gave me. Things that should have drawn me closer to Him. Things that are clear reflections of who He is as a Father.
Consumed is actually kind of an understatement; overwhelmed is actually more accurate.
I am truly blessed and am in no way complaining nor trying to make excuses.
But I find myself not having the energy to sit quietly with Him. Finding myself exhausted with nothing left to give. When I should be seeking quiet alone time with Him to recharge, I want to vedge out and watch tv or scroll on my phone. I don't want to do anything that causes me to think to be honest.
When I reflect on the last year, I feel regret, shame and disappointment in my lack of discipline and overall diligence.
I feel like I have failed God with the things that He has given me, but also the things that I had said yes to do.
You of all people can see this, as you have surely noticed I have not written in over a year.
In preparation for this post that God has been speaking to me for months, it's not just a rebuke I hear but a reminder that He is married to the backslider (Jer 3:14). I did not purposefully turn away from Him, but I also haven't intentionally drawn near to Him either.
I was led to read through Hosea and as I read through chapter 2, I was reminded that when we seek fulfillment outside of HIM, we will not find it (2: 6-7).
I found myself relating more and more to Gomer, the wife of harlotry. Known as the wife of whoredom. For like her I feel that I have forsaken the Lord (1:3).
Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. Revelations 2:4-5
When my husband and I first got married, we were intentional about our time together. In fact; I even guarded that time. I was careful to say yes to things that took me away from my family for long periods of time. In that same way, when I was new to the faith, I was intentional about getting to know my groom. I enthusiastically sought to get to know Him to learn His character, to spend quality time with Him. To serve Him; and to let Him know that I was committed to Him.
Unfortunately; I have been lulled into complacency as many marriages often are.
But.... Here I am. I'm fighting to rekindle the love that once was. I am here to work for what has been broken to restore my commitment to Him. Not because He requires my work but because He desires to be close to me. Because He is a doting Husband yearning for His bride.
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, I will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. I will give her her vineyards from there ,and the Valley of Achor as a door of hope; she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. “And it shall be, in that day, ”says the Lord, that you will call Me ‘My Husband,’ And no longer call Me ‘My Master'" Hosea 2:14-16
As I read this, it nearly puts me in tears. Remembering my Egypt. Remembering what He has delivered me from and knowing that He still wishes to be alone with me, that He still speaks tenderly to me and even in my negligence wishes to give me blessings as abundant as vineyards.
It's a reminder and refresher that I needed to redirect myself.
I hope this will be two things. First an apology to both you and God, but also a recommitment.
A Vow renewal, if I dare say.
God has been speaking to me, and my goal is to get back on track. I have started writing again, but knew that this message was needed first. An explanation of the last year of silence.
Thank you for your patience with me, and thank you for the push from some of you to begin again. Accountability is greatly welcomed here!
With Love Gwen
Ps: This morning morning as I sat to write this, this song has been playing over and over in my head and I pray that as I begin again this will be ongoing in my mind.
"help me want the healer more than the healing
help me want the savior more than the saving
help me want the giver more than the giving
help me want ya Jesus more than anything"
Natalie Grant- More than Anything