I used to have this idea of what my life would look like. I knew who I was and where I was going. But when i came to faith, God started working on my heart and began stripping me of the things that weren't of Him. At first, I felt lonely, I felt exposed even and unsure about who I was. I didn't understand what was going on inside of me, but things that I felt so sure of and even adamant about began to change. God began to heal me and change the desires of my heart.
This post is going to be a lot different from my other posts. I'm going to be really transparent and vulnerable here. I want you to know that there's been a lot of pain and tears on this journey that I'm about to share with you.
Before walking with God, I was confident that I would probably be single and childless forever. Not because I couldn't, but because I really didn't want to. The idea of having children repulsed me and being married was just not something that I believed in. I had never seen a successful marriage and didn't think it was even possible to have one. In my head, doing something that I believed would inevitably end in disaster just didn't make sense. Because of that, I went into relationships with the idea that I really didn't care if they worked out or not and honestly I figured I'd better leave or get left. I couldn't comfortably stay in a relationship longer than about 9 months. I can literally count on one hand the number of times I've celebrated one year anniversaries. Love in general was a huge issue for me.
When the people who are meant to love you in your life don't know how to show it, it's hard to believe that anyone else could. Both of my parents struggled with drug and alcohol addictions and didn't exactly know how to be parents to three rowdy and resilient girls. Which left me, a child, to parent my two younger sisters. Mostly I would protect them from other kids who would bully them for being so poor, and occasionally help them with homework and chores. Once I was old enough to work, I would save my money from working over the summer to buy them school clothes hoping that would prevent some of the bullying in school.
In all honesty though, I was terrible at it. I was selfish from a young age and with little supervision could do whatever I wanted so I did. I didn't know what was expected of me or really the difference between right and wrong when it came to most personal choices. Therefore, I gave them terrible advice and set an even worse example for them. So technically, we all kind of parented ourselves and did whatever we wanted.
That being said, I developed a firm dislike of the idea of ever being a parent. Though as a young adult I was always strangely good with kids, I was happy that they were someone else's "problem." Whenever someone would ask me when I was gonna settle down and have kids of my own, I would literally scowl in disgust and tell them not to put that on my life.
Little did I know then what God was going to do in me. Upon giving my life to Him, that was the first of many desires he gave me. Once I realized He was changing my career path and showed me a different lifestyle, that was what came with it. All of a sudden, I had this overwhelming desire to be a mother. Every time I would see a baby or toddler running around, I would imagine myself as their mother and picture them as my child. Before long, that's all I wanted for my life. I can honestly say that He placed this desire in my heart before even showing me as a wife.
I don't want to say that becoming a wife has been easy, because that's far from true. But once God had revealed to me that someday I would have children, I did the logical thing and started praying for Him to bring me a husband. A short time after that, He revealed to me how unprepared I was to be a wife thus showing me that I needed to change that prayer. In which case, I started praying that He show me what it looked like to be a good "Godly" wife. Within 5 months of solitude and indulging in my new prayer life, He brought me Luis and we were married 9 months later.
Since we were both in our 30's when we got married, we had agreed that we would love to have kids pretty quickly. So quickly, that I had planned our wedding night around my ovulation schedule. OK maybe not purposefully, but I was excited about the coincidence that they happened to line up. When my expected period date was coming up on me that month, I was so sure that I was going to be pregnant and that our life was going to get started swiftly and surely as "I" had planned. With great disappointment, that's not how it went.
That was January of 2016. Month after month and now year after year, I face each cycle with disdain. Sometimes it's easier but sometimes I'm even surprised by the amount of pain that still rises up inside me. Hearing the announcement of an expecting pregnancy causes an array of emotions often ending in tears. I want to be happy with those mothers, I want to celebrate with/for them. Again sometimes it's easier for me to do those things but sometimes I'm a wreck.
The worst part of everything is that it's so hard to talk to other Christians about it because frankly we don't know what to say to people in times like this and it's really hard to say anything that can actually make someone feel better or give them hope. Obviously, the kind Christian thing to say is it will all work out, or in God's time it'll happen. But for someone like me who feels like they have done everything the way I imagine God would want, it's so hard to understand or hear those things. Sometimes they even become frustrating. Within the first year of trying to conceive, we had at least 3 random strangers prophecy over us that they saw us "with child". I don't want to say they were wrong because I do believe God could make it happen, but they were definitely wrong for the time.
It's definitely become a very touchy subject for me. It's challenged me in my faith in more ways than I can count and forced me to turn to God even when I'm angry at Him. But the thing is, it's Him I turn to. It's Him that knows my deepest desires along with my deepest hurts. He created me and drew me to Him so I trust Him even when I don't understand Him and I know some things I never will understand(a).
I know that my fears and hurts are not too big for Him because God is no stranger to women and infertility (b) so I have faith that if it's in His will that it can happen. But I also have to face the reality that the answer may be NO. I hate to believe that because I strongly believe that this desire came from God, but maybe He just has other plans for me and my family (c). My desire for more, doesn't mean that I am not grateful for all that He has blessed me with. I am very blessed and thankful to be a step mom to the most beautiful little girl and love our little family dearly and am grateful for what God has done in my life.
I know that I have two choices in my situation. I can either obsess about it or I can be thankful for where He has me. And that's what I'm choosing to focus on for the time being. Yes it's a daily struggle, and something that I have to make a distinct choice about but I remind myself when it gets hard what His word says.
Be thankful in all circumstances. For this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego as they were thrown into the burning fire (Daniel 3:17-18), even if God doesn't do things the way I hope He will, I will continue to worship Him anyway. Yes I have questions and even the occasional doubts. Not in His ability but in whether my desires line up with His plans for my life. I love how David said it in Psalms 119:81, "I am worn out waiting for your rescue, but I have put my hope in your word." God's word literally says in Jeremiah 29:11 that His plans are for good and to give you a future and a hope. I believe this. I believe that He wants what's best for me and that He doesn't want me to lose hope. So I won't, regardless of what my situation looks like I will focus on Him and wait patiently.
But if we look forward to something we don't yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently. Romans 8:25
Through all these trials, I know that the Lord is growing me and that He is building my perseverance. James 1:4 says "Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Even in the waiting, I have to learn to believe that this is all part of His perfect plan and He will direct my steps and not let me go astray (d).
People often ask me why I don't get more treatment by a Dr. or at least additional consultations. Though I do believe that He uses them to help all types of women in my situation, my mind keep going back to King Saul in 1 Kings 13:
Meanwhile, Saul stayed at Gilgal, and his men were trembling with fear. Saul waited there seven days for Samuel, as Samuel had instructed him earlier, but Samuel still didn’t come. Saul realized that his troops were rapidly slipping away. So he demanded, “Bring me the burnt offering and the peace offerings!” And Saul sacrificed the burnt offering himself.
Just as Saul was finishing with the burnt offering, Samuel arrived. Saul went out to meet and welcome him, but Samuel said, “What is this you have done?”
Saul replied, “I saw my men scattering from me, and you didn’t arrive when you said you would, and the Philistines are at Micmash ready for battle. So I said, ‘The Philistines are ready to march against us at Gilgal, and I haven’t even asked for the Lord’s help!’ So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering myself before you came.”
“How foolish!” Samuel exclaimed. “You have not kept the command the Lord your God gave you. Had you kept it, the Lord would have established your kingdom over Israel forever. But now your kingdom must end, for the Lord has sought out a man after his own heart. The Lord has already appointed him to be the leader of his people, because you have not kept the Lord’s command.”
What if the Lord is right around the corner with my blessing? What if I take it out of His hands, then who gets the glory? I believe that the Lord will work all of this for His good (Romans 8:28). And I believe that He will bless me with additional children even if it doesn't turn out the way I thought it would. The Lord does say that we are to care for the widows and the orphans (James 1:27), so maybe that's part of His plan. Either way, please be in prayer for me as I wait on the Lord.
And I pray that even if infertility isn't the thing that you're waiting on that whatever it is you'll apply the same logic, and patiently endure this season and all that God has in store for you.
(a) 1 Corinthians 2:7-13; Romans 11:33-34; Ecclesiastes 11:5; Isaiah 40:13
(b) Genesis 17:15-21, 21:-6; 1 Samuel 1:1-20; Luke 1:7
(c) Proverbs 19:21; Proverbs 16:9
(d) Psalm 119:91; Psalm 18:30; Psalms 37:23-24; Psalm 25:8