God is doing a new work in me. I don't like it.
Some of you may know that I have a little bit of a hot temper. I don't like it and I'm not proud of it by any means, but it's an issue that God recently started working on.
In the last week, I've had to apologize twice for losing my temper and being rude to people who didn't deserve to be subjected to that . Let's be honest though no one really deserves it.
Any how. I may or may not have lost my temper at the humane society and chewed them out for a policy that frankly they probably had no participation in making. But regardless, I didn't like it and next thing I knew, word vomit came out in every which way and I left there frustrated and embarrassed. The next morning as I got up, that's all I could think about. How humiliating! Not just for me, but for anyone who saw me and would never know that I'm supposed to be a Christian. That was the worst (maybe not the worst but still bad) reflection of Jesus.
And what did God say to me. He said call them and apologize. So I said sure God, I'll do it later, intending full well to "forget". But noooo, that was not what happened. I got out of work and as I got in my car to drive home, God said, call and apologize. Fully annoyed, I called. I asked for the girl who was helping me and to my surprise they said she was on her lunch break. I thought see God it wasn't meant to be. But no, God said, "call again". So about an hour later,
I had to eat crow and call and apologize. I told her that I was so sorry for how rude I was and how I lashed out. She was clearly surprised and said it was ok and she understood that it was frustrating. But it wasn't ok. Not even the least bit.
I imagine us as parents telling our kids to say sorry and they do it in obedience, but rarely do their hearts match up with their words. But in this case, I wasn't just saying I was sorry because God told me to, I really was sorry. I felt terrible.
After I hung up, I said God are you gonna keep making me apologize like this.... As I sat there, I heard His response, "Are you gonna keep doing things that need an apology or are you gonna act right."
Well....I've never..... arms crossed and a pout from the spiritual spanking I just received.
I'll tell you again, I don't like it. But discipline is necessary.
Hebrews 12:6 says:
"For the LORD disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”
Well I must be really loved cause I feel like I'm getting disciplined all the time. Me and conviction are close friends. Unfortunately for me, the conviction usually comes after the fact instead of before. I mean I'm sure God's like "I shouldn't have to tell you some things you should just know better." But...I've got a lot of work to do on not being so hard headed. My husband would call it a submission to authority issue.
We have a dog who for some reason seems to love getting in trouble. If one of us has to punish her, she will love that person and be so sweet to them and follow them everywhere. Often it's the only time she even pays attention to Luis (somewhat of an exaggeration but partially true lol).
My point is this. Why wait to get in trouble or convicted for doing something we know to be wrong. In my situation, my mouth. I've got to learn to think before I speak, or act in some situations (aka grocery store road rage). One of my favorite verses (which I'm sure you're aware of cause I use it often) is Luke 6:45. "For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks."
Because I know that this is an area of opportunity for me, I also know I have to be really careful about my surroundings. I have to be more careful than maybe someone else because unlike some people, I'm not afraid of confrontation. Soooo, I need to be intentional about my words and what I expose myself to as to not store up ugliness in my heart, to later come out of my mouth. In other post I've talked about protecting yourself from watching or listening to certain things, but I also have to be really careful with not letting seeds of bitterness or unforgiveness in my heart. When I do that, I'm preventing myself from a possible outburst.
When I allow myself to get frustrated, I'm giving the enemy the upper hand. I can't even blame him when it's my fault. I can't control what goes on around me, but I can control how I respond.
It's important to pick our battles and often when we say nothing we see the most results.
So all that being said, I know God is plucking this out of me and doing something new and though it's uncomfortable, I know it's necessary. Allow God to do the work, He will not leave it unfinished (Phil 1:6).
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland Isaiah 43:19